I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
