Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize