You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
