I like my sex mixed with concussions.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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