I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
