He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
what is it with giant penises always finding me
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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