He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
