I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
