Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
