Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
