You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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