I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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