I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just pee around me
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize