Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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