I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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