It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
