I'm laying in your front yard are you home
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
