well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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