New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
