Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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