You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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