I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize