I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
