Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
