He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
