I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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