I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
