I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
