I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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