stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
