worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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