last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
