i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
