soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize