Don't make out with my wife yet
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
