I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
