if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
