So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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