you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
