Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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