Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
