Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
foreskin is a definite game changer
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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