It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
