u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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