I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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