Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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