well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
apparently the secret to your success is patron
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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