Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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