I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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