As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
