I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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