I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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