I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
