i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
