Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
