Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
