I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
