I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
