dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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