just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
