You just made me feel so damn special
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
