well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
