I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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