God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
