he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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