I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Send help, water and tortillas.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
