Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I wish there were birth control emojis
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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