So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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