So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
