Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
