Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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