It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
