Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
