We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
